


I hate you, I love you...

by FeliciaAmelloides



Series: A Oneshot a Day... [38]
Category: South Park
Genre: Crack Pairings, Love Pentagon, M/M, Magic, Multi, love spells, multi ships, two kyles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-07
Updated: 2018-02-07
Packaged: 2019-03-28 19:50:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13910982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FeliciaAmelloides/pseuds/FeliciaAmelloides
Summary: For Valentine's Day, Cupid Me (Cartman) and Imaginary Kyle make a video for the other imaginary characters using a little bit of love magic.Things get intense fairly quickly.





	I hate you, I love you...

**Author's Note:**

> I tried.
> 
> So obviously this is a crackfic, meaning that Kenny is a princess for some reason and the pairings are really strange, but it was fun to write so it's hopefully fun to read as well.
> 
> It loosely follows Imaginary Kyle (the Kyle from the end of Imaginationland III) , so the actual Kyle is called Real!Kyle. I have a weird headcanon about him and Imaginary Cartman being in some sort of relationship in Imaginationland (not because of actual Cartman having feelings for Kyle or anything but more because of these specific imaginary versions' relationship in the twenty seconds of screen time they got) and I think Imaginary Kyle's cute for some reason (in my imagined personality for him) so I put that in there too...
> 
> Have fun~
> 
> ((Yes, I know it's early, but I thought that this prompt was good for Valentine's Day so I put it in there.))
> 
> TW- Lots of yelling, swearing, sexual implications, love spells/mind control, and people getting knocked to the floor (minor displays of violence?) Also there's a very brief mention of omorashi (pee) which might freak some people out. I don't like it myself which is why I didn't really include it in the plot.

"Oh my gosh, Eric's gonna love this!" Kyle excitedly squeaked from his position behind the camera as he focused it on the floating cherub before him.

"You know what he'd love a little more?" The cherub version of Eric winked suggestively. Kyle found that his eyes had started to gravitate away from the cupid's face. He blushed.

"W-we have to keep this PG rated Cupid Eric! What if Clyde Frog sees this?" He tugged on his ushanka, an old nervous habit he'd picked up from spending too much time in Imaginationland.

"Teehee!" Was all he got in response, "You gotta start recording now Kahhhhl! I'm all ready!" Cupid Cartman did a flip in mid air as if to demonstrate.

"O-okay then... Recording in 3... 2... 1... Now!" Kyle hit the red 'record' button and the video started. Immediately Cupid Cartman put on his 'not a selfcest obsessed omorashi' face and began to greet his imaginary audience.

"Hello to all and welcome to my Valentine's Day special! Before I begin, don't forget to like, subscribe and hit me up on my live cams if you want a good time! Links are in the description! Teeheehee~"

Kyle quickly followed as Cupid Cartman began to float backwards, still talking, "So today I'm going to show you what it's like to literally spread love into the air! I've selected the perfect pentagon of clashing personalities to divide into a gorgeous mess of love and envy. So who will win in this love pentagon? Only time will tell..." The cherub excitedly rounded the corner into the hallway in which their little 'show' would take place.

To Kyle's surprise, his real counterpart was already in the corridor. Real! Kyle was talking to Stan about something by the lockers, seemingly oblivious to what was about to go down. Well, it did make sense he supposed. Just because they were identical in appearance didn't mean that they shared the same thoughts and memories. Another blush set his face ablaze at the idea of Real! Kyle knowing about all of the things he'd done with Eric. What a terrifying prospect...

"-our loveable rogue and my personal favourite of the bunch, Mr Eric Cartman, should be arriving at any minute now~ So let the fun begin!" Kyle's head snapped up upon realising that he hadn't been paying attention to the recording. Just then, the real Cartman rounded the corner. With the reflexes of a ninja, Cupid Cartman fired his love bow (already infused with his 'special love magic' since he didn't have any time to go over there and pee in their mouths) at the brunet. He froze for a moment before a wide, terrifying smile spread across his face.

Quickly hiding himself behind a locker, he stared closely at Real! Kyle with dilated pupils and devilish smirk. Every so often his eyes darted over to Stan and a murderous glare crossed his face before swiftly reverting to the eerie smile. Kyle swallowed. He didn't really like seeing Eric like this, even if that wasn't *his* Eric. But Cupid Cartman had told him that it was going to be an amazing show, and he couldn't miss it. So there he was.

Next to be shot was Real! Kyle himself, hit so hard that he fell to the ground. Stan quickly caught him, but the combined weight just knocked them both over. Kyle watched with bated breath as Stan rose above Real! Kyle with a groan. They stared at each other and Real! Kyle quickly stood, his pupils already inflating.

"Next up is our sweetie of the bunch. He's hot, he's beautiful, his dad makes shoes or sells them or something, it's Clyde Donovan!" He winked at Kyle, causing him to clap like he was a part of some cheap laugh track in an 80s sitcom.

Clyde walked in with a cheerful expression, his gang (usually Craig's gang, but today the brunet seemed to be leading) close behind. "-oh, the other two are with him! What an interesting development, teehee~" Real!Kyle immediately raced over to him, tackling him to the ground. Kyle wondered if he hurt himself by hitting the floor so often. Maybe he hurt the floor.

"Clyde! Y-you look... really good today! W-what are you wearing? It smells so nice!" The frantic, incoherent babbling was a classic example of a level 5 love potion. Cupid Cartman had really gone all out on this show.

"Dude, what are you talking about? Are you feeling okay?" Clyde forced out, evidently trying not to look too overwhelmed and ultimately failing miserably.

"F-fuck you asshole! It's not like I like you or anything!" Real!Kyle countered with, entering 'tsundere' mode. Clyde just gaped at him in utter confusion.

"Bang~" Cupid Cartman whispered, firing yet another arrow into Clyde.

"Come on Clyde. We're gonna be late." Craig stated flatly like he couldn't care less ((THAT'S HOW IT'S WRITTEN AMERICANS)) about whether they were late or not. Maybe the twitching, already freaking out blond next to him was something to do with him saying anything at all.

"Oh my god Craig! I'm so sorry! Yeah, let's get outta here right now! Um, what are you doing after school? Any plans? Can I come with?" Clyde was virtually salivating over Craig, who flipped him off without second thought. Tweek screamed.

"O-oh Jesus what's wrong with everyone? ALIENS HAVE POSSESSED THEIR MIND OH JESUS WE'REALLGONNADIE-" Tweek stopped the instant the arrow hit him and collapsed.

"Tweek!" Craig hurriedly went to him, carefully lifting him and checking him over anxiously to make sure that he hadn't gotten hurt. Kyle frowned at Cupid Cartman for not firing an arrow at him, but then realised that there was no point since he was already in love with the person Cupid Cartman wanted him to be for the show.

"C-Craig..." the blond mumbled, looking up at him through his wild shock of hair. Craig waited for him to speak, "I-I'm breaking up with you."

Craig froze up this time, even without the love potion. "Why?" The word was choked out but still somehow said in a perfectly apathetic monotone.

"Because... I'm in love with someone elseOHJESUSDON'TKILLME!" Tweek all but shrieked, hands frantically tugging at his hair. Craig just looked at him for several seconds before walking away down the corridor. Clyde screeched and slapped Tweek before running after him.

"Ooh, should we follow the Claig brick road? Or perhaps we should see who Tweeky dearest has fallen for? All in good time my dears! Teeheehee!~" Cupid Cartman motioned for Kyle to follow him over to Tweek. The boy looked a little shell shocked, but he returned to his normal spastic self very quickly, apart from one crucial difference...

He raced down the corridor with the speed of a ten year old constantly on a caffeine high and grabbed Cartman by the shoulders, reaching up to try to kiss him. Cupid Cartman screamed aggressively into his hand, then turned back to the camera with a cheerful smile.

"And the pentagon is complete~" he cheered. Kyle just stared in shock, trying his hardest to remind himself that this person wasn't his Eric and his Eric would never cheat on him, etc, etc...

Then Real!Kyle suddenly took off in the same direction that Clyde and Craig had just gone as Token and Stan stared after them. This was just a typical day for them at South Park Elementary, so neither commented on it.

Cartman roughly shoved the even crazier than usual blond off of him and followed Real!Kyle, Tweek hot on his heels.

Of course, this meant that Kyle and Cupid Cartman had to follow them as well, running through a couple of unsuspecting bystanders as they pursued their love pentagon down the corridor.

Clyde was aggressively banging on the door to the janitor's closet whilst Real!Kyle alternated between hugging him and yelling at him, Cartman prepared a Glock pistol that he had gotten from Satan knows where and Tweek went back to shrieking. Craig, presumably in the janitor's closet, didn't make a sound.

"Look how pretty they all are! Teehee!~ But doesn't it make you just a little jealous Kylie?" Cupid Cartman's tone was teasing as Kyle nervously tried to find a response.

"W-well..."

The door to the janitor's closet burst open and a beautiful girl strode out hand in hand with... Butters?

"What on *earth* are you idiots doing? Don't you know that it's rude to interrupt a lady when she is occupied?" Princess Kenny chastised in a scarily lady-like manner, blond wig flying out behind her in an invisible wind. Beside her, Butters blushed and giggled.

"W-wait, then where's Craig?" Clyde twirled, narrowly avoiding Real!Kyle's tsundere pounce. And that was the moment that set off a chain reaction which totally fucked up the entire show.

Cartman, wanting to stay hidden from Real!Kyle's gorgeous emerald glare, ran to a new hiding place... which just so happened to be the place where Kyle and his own cupid self were recording their video.

"What. The. FUCK." He said the last word with such venom that Kyle flinched, instinctively ducking behind Cupid Cartman despite already being behind him.

"Oh, hey Eric! Me and Kahl were just having a little fun with our new video camera, right Kahl?" The cherub batted his eyelashes seductively. Kyle quickly jumped in.

"U-um, yeah. It's nice to see you again by the way- it's been a long time since Imaginationland III aired." Kyle offered him his best, Kyman causing smile.

Cartman glared, the love struck stare gone from his eyes.

"Turn us back, Cupid Me." He said, malice dripping from every word.

"But Eric! It's a Valentine's Day Special! I can't just turn everyone back... not without a kiss scene in the show...?" The question at the end of that made Cupid Cartman's intent clear. Kyle swallowed, backing up a bit.

"I'm not doing it." The brunet said instantly.

"Oh really? But don't you wanna be normal again? So you don't have to put up with this buuuuuuullshiiiit?" Cupid Cartman sealed the deal with yet another winning smile. Cartman shot him a death glare.

"Fuck." He muttered as he leaned forward. Cupid Cartman squealed in delight, sealing their lips as Kyle zoomed in on it with expert precision. The instant Cupid Cartman started to deepen the kiss, Cartman shoved him away, face burning. "Now turn us back, asshole."

"Sure thing Eeeeeric! Teeheehee!~" Cupid Cartman grinned in pure delight as he snapped his fingers and everyone went back to normal. Tweek ran down the hall to where Craig definitely was, Clyde awkwardly sat on the floor and wondered if he was as straight as he thought he was, Kyle ran up to a very alarmed Stan and asked him to murder him and Cartman simply glared at his cupid self before nodding to Kyle.

"Take care of yourself." Kyle barely heard him say it before he stalked off down the hall.

Princess Kenny burst into laughter as he tried to say something about asking Satan for a copy of the video next time he saw him whilst Butters tried to calm him down to no avail.

"Well, thanks for watching everyone! Hope you find love this Valentine's Day! And remember- love is always in the air!~ Teeheehee!~" With a final wink Cupid Cartman signalled to Kyle to switch off the camera as he waved at the lens. Quickly he shut it off and closed the lens, tucking the camera into a bag.

The two exchanged a glance before returning to Imaginationland through a magical Imaginary portal.

Until next year...

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for the ((THAT'S HOW IT'S WRITTEN AMERICANS!)) in the middle of one of the lines. Despite being American myself, I'm also half English and grew up in England so I have a natural hatred of the way things are spelt in American English.
> 
> My current biggest vice is when Americans say that someone 'could care less' implying that they actually do care about something when they mean that that person 'couldn't care less' meaning that they actually don't care and couldn't care any less than they did because they did not care at all.
> 
> Rant over!
> 
> So I think that Cupid Cartman sounded a bit like Mr. Poopybutthole from Rick and Morty sort of near the end since I was imagining them as the same person by that point in writing (that's why he extends some of the words and names of stuff), but I don't want to change it and if I'm lucky it was funny.
> 
> See you later.
> 
> Prompt- A yandere stalking a tsundere who like a deredere who likes a kuudere who like a dandere who likes the yandere. Himedere and undere are also dating in secret.
> 
> One of my favourite prompts so far~  
> There's a typo but I didn't take advantage of it because the plot was cracky enough already.
> 
> Original Number- 222


End file.
